Mourning the death of originality.

Earlier this month, Universal announced plans to turn the 80s classic arcade game Asteroids into a feature length film.

This could be pretty good as long as the movie stay true to the plot. The classic quest of a tiny Italian spaceship, working his way through field after field of space rocks to save his beloved princess-ship while collecting as many coins as possible, has to be done just right.

WTF!?

Hey Hollywood, I can come up with better movie plots than this at a fraction of the price! I have a guaranteed hit about a man in a space suit that digs under the ground, looking for alien tomatoes and newts that are threatening to destroy the world's supply of ketchup unless he inflates them to the point of bursting with a bicycle pump.

Or how about my gut busting comedy about the crew of a space ship that is constantly attacked by a race of space bugs? The crew's antics peak when one of their mates is captured by the biggest bug and hilarity ensues. Fortunately, the friend is saved and they join ships to defeat the evil space wasps.

I'll expect my check in the mail. A cool million should cover the cost of both.

You're welcome.

A Winter Summerland

Last night was one of the craziest storms I've ever experienced. At one point I opened the garage door and before the door was a foot off the ground, hail was hitting the back wall. Apparently, a hurricane passed directly over us. Fortunately though, no real damage except a broken tee limb in the back yard. Though I haven't been able to check the roof yet.

Our neighborhood looks like it frakking snowed!

Keeping my fingers crossed for a healthy roof

A Hollow Series

A friend recommended that I read/listen to a series of books by Kim Harrison. The series is called The Hollows and features such Eastwoodly titles as A Dead Witch Walking, The Good, The Bad and the Ugly and The Outlaw Demon Wails. How could I not take a look?

Anyway, the series is set in a world where vampires, werewolves, witches, pixies, etc live openly among humans. The main character is Rachel Morgan, a private eye and witch. I managed to make it through the second book, all the while fighting a case of Heimlich Syndrome, also known as Snarky Fever. Almost every minute of the book I kept arguing with myself whether to stop or not.

The main problem is that I really like the setting. The world of Rachel Morgan is well developed, and actually engaging. Supernatural creatures do live side by side with humans, but are rarely trusted. Restaurants have ratings earned by various lengths of time without a human death, convenience stores sell charms and magical remedies, there's a lot to like. The books themselves are written well, the characters are well fleshed out and evoke real emotions.

This, unfortunately, is the series' downfall for me. I hate, HATE, HATE Rachel Morgan with the undying heat of a thousand suns. She's the whiniest, dumbest, most cowardly character I've ever read. While I'll admit this is great characterization, I'd argue that the protagonist of a story should have some good attributes. Rachel Morgan has none. Maybe she grows on you, like the taste of cheap gin. I wouldn't know, I hate gin and can't see the point of drinking it until I don't feel like vomiting from the taste. Why would I do this with a character of seven books? Or maybe the point of these books is to root for her slow, agonizing death. If so, then it worked for me. Though something tells me that I shouldn't be upset that she lives through the book, every frakking time.

It's sad, really. I want to like this series, I really do. I just can't get past the rising urge to kill that I feel every time the protagonist opens her mouth.

Get Slimed

A couple of weeks ago Atari released Ghostbusters: The Video Game. It's a game that I've been anxiously waiting for, so I Steamed it on release day and have been playing it quite a bit since.

Players assume the role of a new recruit that's hired as a tester for the Ghostbusters' experimental gear. Venkman wisely suggests that you shall be dubbed "Rookie", to avoid getting "too attached to the little fella in case he blows up." Thus the Ramis/Akroyd humor begins, setting the tone for the whole game.

Unfortunately, I could tell right off that I was going to be annoyed by the long load times. I know that a minute doesn't sound like a long time, but when staring at a blank screen it is. It's probably just because I'm a member of the microwave generation, I have a hard time waiting the 90 seconds for my Little Juan Burrito. Still, the load times are ridiculous - especially since some of the bosses are rather difficult and require many tries, each with a extended look at a blank screen. I've read that even on the consoles, the load times exceed 30 seconds. Once it took 45 seconds to load a minute long cutscene, just plain silliness.

Gameplay is pretty average, but in a fun way. Ghosts are fought with your proton pack, which is the heart of the game. I'll bet that any Ghostbusters fan has secretly desired to own a charged particle accelerator, second only to owning a lightsaber. As the game progresses, players get various upgrades to your proton pack and ghost traps. They actually made the one reference to Ghostbusters 2 a good thing with the slime cannon, it's a surprising amount of fun to use. The other references are even more fun, from the Sedgewick hotel and Slimer to the Stapuft Marshmallow Man. This is by far the greatest strength of the game. It's well voiced by the original cast. Even William Atherton comes back as the immutable Walter Peck.

Other aspects do detract from the game, however. Many bosses can move faster than you, making escape and dodging challenging. You can sprint, BUT only in a straight line. Add these together and I found myself throwing my headsets across the room in frustration. As is the case with many console games today, there are secret items to be found. This is fine, but if you want to go back to a level to find an item you missed, the game actually overwrites your current game! That's right, go back and you lose your current progress, so don't replay a level until you're done with the game. Brilliant. Since this is a console port, quick-saving isn't an option. reloading is by checkpoint only, frakking console ports...

Anyway, the AI is pretty good when helping you fight the ghoulies. They are accurate and support you pretty well, if you go down they're usually right there to revive you. For some reason, though, they wont help each other when they collapse. This leaves the player as the sole medic for the entire team. Once all teammates are down, the mission is failed. So, if another ghostbuster goes down, you have to stop fighting and revive him. Some boss battles are spent doing nothing but running from one fallen comrade to another.

I know it sounds like I hated this game, and I would have but for the content. The bottom line is that this is an average game with a great theme. If you're a fan of the movie, you'll probably enjoy this game immensely, especially for the $30 price tag (for the PC version). If not, you may want to rent this one.

Just don't look directly at the trap...